How to keep the family away from the projects

[Leo Devera]

Remember the following:

You are their junior. They are your senior. Respect their ideas because they probably have a damn good reason why they are giving them.

Keep everything really clean.

You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I've learned this the hard way. I'd suggest you work on fixing your attitude so that you don't have to. When you hit the age of 18 or so I think you'll really appreciate doing that.

[Mike Cruz]

So, Brendan, are you still with us? What have you taken from our comments?

Again, as I and others have stated, while this most likely isn't the best place for a pitty party, since most of us are in your parents/grandparents' position, please note that is an awsome place to help better your skills and knowledge, and we are more that happy to help you do that. Ask question after question about woodworking, jointery, tools, etc. You'll get enthusiastic answers and tips.

So, you still listening in?

[Mark Kosmowski]

So the OP essentially said he is frustrated. It seems that most of the responses are either "clean up after each session" (good advice, even without the issue at hand) or "it's your own fault you're frustrated". Is this the best a group of adults, many even parents of grown children, with hundreds of years of life experience can offer?

Learning to deal with frustration is a necessary skill that isn't explicitly taught in school. While none of us are privy to the exact family dynamics going on with the OP, I'll share some things I have learned about dealing with frustration. First, when you're frustrated, don't act. In woodworking, the last thing I need is to be handling a sharp chisel while upset at my project. The expected outcome in this case is damage to the project, accentuated by the "special red stain".

Also, it is best not to act with people when frustrated either. Instead, take time to cool down and try to understand what is going on - understand what and why you are angry about. Sometimes this may take a couple days - as with all skills, this ability will improve with practice. As an example from my life, yesterday there was something wrong with the gas pump card reader and I needed to go in and wait in a long line before I could even address the issue. As I was in line, I was angry about having my time stolen. However, I know that acting angry in this situation will not help anything.

So I took a big, deep breath and slowly let it out to force myself to relax a little. Then I considered the situation. No one was actively doing this to me, it was one of those angry at the situation moments. I didn't like it, but now I could decide to do my best to be calm and not act angry when speaking with the cashier to resolve the issue, because she hadn't done anything to cause the situation and it would be wrong for me to inflict anger upon her.

At this point, if I was 15 and in the OP's situation, I would be thinking, "Aha! But in my case someone IS at fault, namely grandpa!" My response is still, do not act in anger. Instead, first assess your most desired outcome, as well as a variety of alternative outcomes that are still acceptable. Next, try to understand the situation. This is the hard part. Maybe it is time to have a whole family talk. If you do this, you absolutely need to be calm while discussing things, and pay attention to your feelings - if you start getting upset, maybe you need to say, "I am starting to get upset about this, may I have a short break to relax again?"

Maybe even have two conversations. The first to understand why things are happening. Wait until you have this understanding before then trying to figure out with your family, as part of your family, how things can be done differently to prevent or reduce the frustrating situations in the future. This action stage will more than likely involve compromise. Maybe you will need to clean up after each session, perhaps including putting all of the tools away and your project work to a designated area.

There will always be things you don't know or understand about frustrating situations. These unknown things are usually either the causes or worsenings of the frustration. I don't know very much about your situation, but here are some things to consider. Maybe your grandfather knows his tablesaw isn't safe to use, but feels it is better to have it around then none at all. Maybe there is tension between your parents and your grandfather that everyone is keeping you insulated from, but it is still there and spills over. Assuming it is your parents' house, consider that your grandfather is now a guest and no longer has the same freedom he had when he was the master of his own domain. You probably chafe at your desire for, but lack of, this sort of freedom. Imagine how much worse it must be to have once had this freedom and have to have given it up.

I sincerely hope that your family is suitable for open discussions of your frustrations. Also, remember that learning to deal with frustrations is more important than the woodworking. If you need to take some time off from your hobby to iron out how to avoid these frustrations in the future, it will be well worth it.

I hope everything goes well with you.

[Dan Forman]

Brenen--- I'll second what Mark (above) has said, and add a couple of things. It sounds to me like a family council might be the next step. I think you will need to have your parents involved, both as interested parties, and as moderators. As I'm sure you are already aware, Asperger's can make clear communication all the more difficult, so having your parents there might help to keep things from going off track. And, it being their house and garage, they get to have their say too. You may have to try extra hard to appreciate the point of view of others, as that ability too is often affected by Asperger's.

Rereading your first few posts, I see language like "forced him to use..." and "guidelines that I will make them sign...". I know that I would not respond very positively to that sort of approach, would you? Just as the success of a woodworking project is dependent on the skills of the craftsman, the skillful communicator will have better results than the unskillful.

So, the skillful way to approach this would be to ask for their cooperation, and come up with a set of guidelines that everyone will follow - you, your parents, grandfather, and your younger brother. This will involve everyone's input, not just something that you hand them to sign off on. The needs of everyone else are just as important as you own.

State how you feel about what has happened to your projects without blaming the other person. This is called an "I statement" For example: "I feel angry when I come out to the shop and find my project on the floor with the finish ruined, or find my desktop banged up. What can we do so that I don't have to worry about my projects being damaged when I'm not around?" In this way, you invite them to be a part of the solution, rather than dictating terms, or blaming them for your feelings. They will be much more likely to respond in a helpful way.

Now, the solution may require you to make some changes too, like putting tools away, and keeping project parts out of harms way. The important thing is finding a solution, not maintaining all of your current habits, so be prepare to give some in order to gain some. Get used to it, because even as an adult you will have to do a lot of that, or else you will be spending a lot of time by yourself.

Something that nobody has mentioned yet, is that your grandfather's brain may not be working as well as it used to. He might be forgetful and not fully aware of the consequences of his actions. If so, it's not really his fault, it's just something that will happen to most of us if we get old enough. Some people may be affected at an earlier age than others. This of course is just a guess, and should be taken as such, but might explain something about his behavior and lack of judgment in handling your projects. If that is indeed the case, you will have to work around that, and take responsibility for the safety of your projects, as you won't be able to depend on his judgment. This might be something you should ask your parents about, to get their opinion on. Again, this is just a guess on my part, based on very little information, but it could be one explanation of what is happening.

Good luck on your quest.

Dan

[Brendan Plavis]

Brenen--- I'll second what Mark (above) has said, and add a couple of things. It sounds to me like a family council might be the next step. I think you will need to have your parents involved, both as interested parties, and as moderators. As I'm sure you are already aware, Asperger's can make clear communication all the more difficult, so having your parents there might help to keep things from going off track. And, it being their house and garage, they get to have their say too. You may have to try extra hard to appreciate the point of view of others, as that ability too is often affected by Asperger's.

Rereading your first few posts, I see language like "forced him to use..." and "guidelines that I will make them sign...". I know that I would not respond very positively to that sort of approach, would you? Just as the success of a woodworking project is dependent on the skills of the craftsman, the skillful communicator will have better results than the unskillful.

So, the skillful way to approach this would be to ask for their cooperation, and come up with a set of guidelines that everyone will follow - you, your parents, grandfather, and your younger brother. This will involve everyone's input, not just something that you hand them to sign off on. The needs of everyone else are just as important as you own.

State how you feel about what has happened to your projects without blaming the other person. This is called an "I statement" For example: "I feel angry when I come out to the shop and find my project on the floor with the finish ruined, or find my desktop banged up. What can we do so that I don't have to worry about my projects being damaged when I'm not around?" In this way, you invite them to be a part of the solution, rather than dictating terms, or blaming them for your feelings. They will be much more likely to respond in a helpful way.

Now, the solution may require you to make some changes too, like putting tools away, and keeping project parts out of harms way. The important thing is finding a solution, not maintaining all of your current habits, so be prepare to give some in order to gain some. Get used to it, because even as an adult you will have to do a lot of that, or else you will be spending a lot of time by yourself.

Something that nobody has mentioned yet, is that your grandfather's brain may not be working as well as it used to. He might be forgetful and not fully aware of the consequences of his actions. If so, it's not really his fault, it's just something that will happen to most of us if we get old enough. Some people may be affected at an earlier age than others. This of course is just a guess, and should be taken as such, but might explain something about his behavior and lack of judgment in handling your projects. If that is indeed the case, you will have to work around that, and take responsibility for the safety of your projects, as you won't be able to depend on his judgment. This might be something you should ask your parents about, to get their opinion on. Again, this is just a guess on my part, based on very little information, but it could be one explanation of what is happening.

Good luck on your quest.

Dan

Hes mentally healthy....

But since then I have put up a pegboard and a rack that I hang anything I can on.. So that helps with organization. I do have to put the power tools on the bench, as its kinda hard to hang a drill, or even more so a mitre saw from a pegboard...

-Brendan

[Leo Devera]

Hes mentally healthy....

But since then I have put up a pegboard and a rack that I hang anything I can on.. So that helps with organization. I do have to put the power tools on the bench, as its kinda hard to hang a drill, or even more so a mitre saw from a pegboard...

-Brendan

As long as your drill is a t-handle, something like that would be just what you need to hang it. If it is a pistol grip then it won't work.

[Brendan Plavis]

As long as your drill is a t-handle, something like that would be just what you need to hang it. If it is a pistol grip then it won't work.

Its a wired one, so its a pistol grip(I do also have a crap wireless that isnt even fit to hang on the garbage can)