I finally got around to doing some work in the shop this weekend. Not much 'real' woodworking has been happening lately. Instead, I've been doing general house repairs. One of my projects this weekend was to make some new window frames to replace some that had deteriorated over time.
Do you ever have those projects that always take longer than you expect because of all the other stuff that you think you need to do before you can do the original job right? Yeah, I'm one of those guys too... As I was cutting the stock to make the window frames, I noticed an unbearable amount of splintering as I cut the material. "This will not stand.", I say. "I must have zero-clearance inserts for ALL of my tools!"
I had a couple of good-sized chunks of UHMW lying about. I figured I could whip the zero-clearance thingys right out and get back to work making splinter-free window frames. About four hours later I had completed just one insert for my DeWalt 705. Nothing, however, for my table saw.
If you're not familiar with this stuff, UHMW is a slippery plastic material that some tool makers use for the faces on their fences. I've seen cutting boards made out of it too... Everyone told me it machines just like wood. HA! Anyway, I needed the stuff to be a bit thinner to make the 'perfect' insert. Off to the planer I went... Evidently, this stuff machines well on only certain types of machinery. My planer wasn't on the list. The stuff went 'in' just fine but it wasn't coming out the other end machined to a perfect thickness for zero-clearance insert making. Hmmmm..... Aliens must have stolen the UHMW from my planer. Then I heard a terrible noise. The planer started spewing out large chunks of UHMW along with the shavings. I was not using the dust collector because I didn't want plastic mixed in with the sawdust I use for composting. I turned off the machine and discover that the UHMW was so slippery that the planer couldn't keep a hold on it to keep it feeding straight. It had actually turned side-ways in the planer.
So I took a new piece and went to the jointer... I set the machine to take a very light cut. I tried using the push-blocks that came with the jointer but they just slipped across the top of the piece of plastic as I started to feed. I switched the jointer off as I quickly realized this cut could not be done safely. The push blocks don't have the little lip on the back to catch the edge of the material, they rely on friction. I needed to make a push block... Then I looked out into the front yard seeing the saw-horses with bits of project #1 unfinished as I considered starting project #3 to complete project #2 which, strictly speaking, was not necessary to do project #1 in the first place. Does this happen to you??? Are we all so easily distracted or is it just me?
Off to the tablesaw with a piece of UHMW to cut down to size before I ruin all of it. I set up the saw, pushed the button and it sliced through that plastic like buttah! I wanted to cut more because it was just so cool but I kept my composure and resisted. I traced an outline from the original insert onto my blank and went to the bandsaw. Wrong blade for the job... I changed the blade and realize that the cool blocks are worn and need to be replaced. "Where did I put them?" After about 45 minutes of searching for new Cool Blocks, I realize that the same CD has been playing over and over on REPEAT in the stereo all day and I'm sick of it. I decide I want to listen to Eric Clapton but the CD isn't there. I search the truck and in the house. Finally, I asked my wife... She had taken it to play in her van. Found the CD in the CD player but the no case. Where's the case??? I started rummaging through her van and glance over at the saw-horses under the Ash tree with the disassemled window frames and decide the CD case is not important.
With "Lay Down Sally" playing on the stereo, I go to start the bandsaw and realize I had not located the coolblocks. Nevermind... I flip the worn blocks over and tighten them in place. I turn on the saw and cut the outline perfectly. Phone rings... and rings... and rings... I break down and answer it. A friend of my wife has called to find out if we have plans for the evening. (At this rate, I'll still be making inserts...) My wife emerges from the house, frantically waving her arms with an agitated expression on her face. Evidently, she had looked at the Caller ID and was indicating through some sort of ancient tribal sign language that I should not have answered the phone. Bad Mojo... I finally hang up the phone after artfully avoiding any sort of commitment to go anywhere or receive visitors.
Although the SWMBO had been witness to everything I had just said, she was not satisfied piecing the conversation together herself. I had to relay everything that had been said on the other end as well. Paraphrasing would not suffice. She needed every word. "Well, what did she say?" "Why on earth did you tell her that?" "Why didn't she just answer the phone?", I wondered. It's times like these when I wish the FBI was tapping my phone. I could have simply directed her to the van parked down the street with the periscope thing poking out of the roof and had them replay the conversation.
Satisfied, she looked around the garage and asked, "What are you doing?" I had no idea...
Off to the router table I went... Instead of planing (shredding) the hunk of plastic, I'll just rabbet the edges. I find the wrong bit and wrong collet are in the router and replace them. The extension cord that had supplied electricity to my router table is now stretched across the driveway where SWMBO is now vacuuming the van. Biting my tongue, I locate another one, untangle it only enough to get it to reach, plug it in and turn on the router. The vacuum, router and stereo instantly fall silent. The circuit breaker in the house tripped, not the one in the conveniently-located subpanel I had installed in the garage. I AM NOT KIDDING!
I finally finished the windows but not on schedule. It seems like I used almost every tool I own and had to put them all away after. After they were all painted, despite my frequent warnings that she should not do this, LOML washed out the paintbrush in the laundry sink connected to our septic system. After ranting for several minutes, I asked her to go out and clean the glass in the windows before I re-installed them. She did it while I cleaned up the garage.
I'll describe what I saw when I went to get the last window. On the pane of freshly cleaned glass, a bird (a rather large bird from the look of it) had deposited a substance. Imagine, if you will, a large bird gorging itself on bad guacamole from a dumpter behind a Mexican restaurant, eating and eating until it could hardly fly. Then, landing in our tree to wait... Yep, that's precisely the word I yelled when I saw it.
Everything got better when my neighbor appeared from around the corner and handed me a cold beer.
-Kevin
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Funny I thought I was the only one.
Originally Posted by Alan Turner
