Anger, has applications to WW

[Jim Rimmer]

I'm not always successful but before I do something because of my anger I try to ask myself, "One year from now, what difference will all this make?"

[Jason Roehl]

There's nothing wrong with anger. It may or may not be a byproduct of fear. What it is is a call to action.

Take action. Whether that action is to change what you're doing, stop what you're doing, do something different, or start doing something, take action.

Just keep this in mind:

"In your anger, do not sin."

I like this answer. Anger is a natural emotion. Whether or not we get angry is often irrelevant. What IS relevant is how we react to that anger. If you normally react with an outburst of some sort, you are going to have to practice reacting consistently in a different, calmer, better way. I think it's very similar to how many people freeze when they are filled with fear--it's something that through practice can be overcome (the military certainly tries to practice overcoming fear). The key is to mentally prepare yourself: "The next time I am angry, I am going to..." Think on that from time to time so that when the time comes you have a shot at a different reaction than a violent outburst.

I'm still a work in progress myself. Overall, I'm much better than I used to be. One thing that helped is an event that showed me the foolishness of a violent reaction. When I was 18 or so, my mother and I had an argument (not very common), and when I stormed off, I went into my bedroom, which was spotless, save for the plastic wastebasket sitting in the center of the room. When I stomped into the room, I saw that wastebasket, and I punted it with everything I was worth. We're talking 80-yard-field-goal-type-of-punt. The wastebasket split down the side and stuck to my foot instead of going through the basement wall as I certainly intended. Looking back, it's pretty funny, really.

Another part of it is that you need to recognize when you're so stressed that one little thing will set you off. My life is largely stress-free now, so it's much easier to take things that anger me in stride.

I would say bottling up your anger only works in the short term--you'll soon need to do something to relieve the pressure. I don't think it's necessarily bad to hold it back, as long as you soon do something to let it out (hard physical labor or exercise go a long way toward that for me).

I hope you figure things out, Moses.

[Jim Andrew]

When I was young, I had anger issues. And it was immediate. Now that I am older, I just choose not to be angry. Sometimes, someone tries to provoke me, but I just do not take the bait.

[Belinda Barfield]

Chiming in from the female side, which some consider to be more emotional, and using every psychobabble cliche I can remember, here goes . . .
I am a "pleaser". I prefer to travel, shop, vacation, whatever, by myself so I can do the things that I want to do. Some consider that selfish, but if I do things with another person I always defer to their choices and sacrifice mine.
I believe I get more frustrated than angry, and I take those frustrations and put them in a mental closet. For example, if I ask my better half for help with something, that means I need help at the time, not an hour later, or two hours later. Then we have the conversation that starts with "you expect me to jump when you say jump!", and I reply with "if I didn't need help at the time I wouldn't have asked for it". At some point the mental closet can't hold everything and door rips open and those frustrations explode all over. Then I get the "Why did you suddenly blow up over nothing?" My mother does the same thing. I find that throwing things really helps, but I try to refrain from that action. Taking a walk helps as well, and is much safer for my belongings.
And speaking of relationships, I am a "passionate" person. I love or hate things. I find things to be beautiful, or amazing, or tremendous - any over the top descriptive works. My better half, on the other hand, had serious anger issues when younger and learned to control his anger (somewhat). In the process, as another poster stated, he tamped down other emotions as well. He doesn't allow himself to feel much at all. In a bizarre turn of affairs though, he is the eternal optimist. I, on the other hand, am the eternal realist (he says pessimist). We are buying a new home and stopped by yesterday to discuss where to put what. After an hour of discussion, and a possible agreement, I remarked that everything would change again once he thought about it. That lead to his comment that I always see the worst in things, but in reality I know that he is incapable of making a decision without rethinking it 27 times.
Having said all of that, I feel much better! I will follow this thread in hopes that I might learn some new techniques for anger control. Deep breathing just doesn't work for me, and I can't always go for a walk at work. For those of you who wonder why my entire post revolves around my better half, we live together, own businesses together, eat most meals together, and ride to and from work together most days. I don't interact with a lot of other people. Maybe that's my problem!

[Prashun Patel]

I'm always quicker to get angry in a situation when I'm in a bad, funky mood in general. These come and go in waves over time, and are a function of general dissatisfaction with something deeper in my life (work, kids, relationship).

When I'm not frustrated in general, I react to situations more productively and happily.

An ex-girlfriend once told me that love is not a feeling, it's a decision. I think the same for happiness. I'm trying to learn to just be happy with myself and all the wonderful things in my life. When I'm 'generally' happy, I find the situations take care of themselves. I was also told many years ago that my own energy is contagious (for better and worse). When I'm unhappy with things, it seems to infect the moods of the people around me, which is fuel for angry interactions.

I know the right answer for anger management is to walk away, count to ten, sleep on it, wait to react. But it's been very hard for me to stop the symptom. It's been more meaningful and manageable - albeit a longer term investment - to cure the cause.

[Prashun Patel]

Jim, that's a dumb thing to say...

[Dave Zellers]

At some point the mental closet can't hold everything and door rips open and those frustrations explode all over. Then I get the "Why did you suddenly blow up over nothing?"

I very much enjoyed your post. I used to be a 'pleaser' as well, and to a degree I still am but not as much as when I was young.

I was moved to respond to your post, and quote the above, when I opened my fortune cookie tonight and it read: "Beware the fury of the patient man".

Seemed apropos and synchronistic.

Thus far it seems to me, any lesson this thread may have is that learning to control anger for many, happens over time, as we 'mature' (age).

But it all can also be summed up in two phrases:

"Don't sweat the small stuff"

and

"It's all small stuff"