What's the secret to marriage...

[Brian Ashton]

I've been married now for 20 years. Often people I haven't seen for years (I am presently living in Aus so seeing old friends happens only after infrequent trips home) ask what's the secret to our marriage as we appear to be so happy together. Often the question isn't are you married it's are you still married... Personally, I have absolutely no idea what the secret is and don't try to speculate in case it jinx my marriage (long story - too long for here). So for those that don't suffer such a superstition as I what's your take on a happy long lasting marriage?

PLEASE NO CRITICISM OF THOSE WHO WANT TO CONTRIBUTE! Let people have their opinions.

[Rich Neighbarger]

Congratulations on the 20 year mark! We just passed our 12 year mark and look forward to all beyond. Still, that is a tough question. I'll give it a shot.


#1 Close friends. Too often friends and aquaintences are viewed as interchangeable terms when in fact they are not. Friends share more than one or two things in common and look forward to sharing life experiences with each other. Aquaintences just happen to be there as life happens.

#2 Honesty. Without this there is no trust.

#3 Tust. Without trust, there is no relationship.

#4 Empathy. One must have a genuine understanding of and care for their spouse.

#5 Equality. Each spouse has a seperate but equal rolls. One should never feel as if they are mearly beeing kept around as a trophy. Both partners have to feel needed.

[Andy Bardowell]

21 years for us Brian, its how you handle the valleys that is important and unfortunately a lot of folks let their stubbornness rule the day instead of compromise and even concession to allow situations to relax and blow over. We’re not perfect, we’ve had some pretty good blow ups but we’ve always worked through whatever it was, I think where some get into real trouble is getting mean in violation of Rich’s rule #4 and it is very hard to come back from.

[Myk Rian]

I learned to say "Yes Dear".
41 years of Wonderful Wedded Bliss here.
I think that the idea of divorce scares us, so we work to avoid that.

[Roger Newby]

Also 41 years...learn the difference between stand up and shut up.

[Ted Calver]

47...yes dear

[Chuck Saunders]

The secret to staying married is making the effort to stay married. If you boat starts to drift away from the dock you can let it drift away or you can make the effort to pull it back. If both partners keep pulling the marriage back good things happen. There is no magical one-time secret quickie fix, just simple constant attention.






At least that is what my wife told me

[Greg Cuetara]

I knew a couple married 40 years and they said the secret was that, "he worked days and she worked nights."

[Joe Mioux]

20 years here,

Anna's ability to not care what I spend on woodworking tools.

My ability to stop working out in the garage on a project and sit back and talk with Anna and the kids. The workshop/garage is like a magnet for family time sans T.V. distraction.

also, not making mountains out of mole hills.

and not expecting more out of each other than what we have come to expect over knowing each other for 26 years. We are not changing our personal ways and each of us know that.

joe

[Pat Germain]

Mrs. Pat and I just hit 26 years last Friday!

I hope I don't offend anyone by saying so, but I think a big contributor to failing marriages is the "Our kids come first!" attitude.

Oh sure, it's sounds nice to say, "Our kids come first!". But a marriage should be a relationship between two people. When it devolves into two people just working to buy things for the kids and then playing house-servant for the kids, where's the marriage? If all you do is work, drive the kids from one organized activity to the next, then feed the kids, bathe the kids, dress the kids and fulfill every demand of the kids, it's going to be nearly impossible to maintain a marriage. But lots of couples do just this. Then, "POOF!", divorce.

I think our grandparents' generation had a lot of things right about marriage and raising kids. I tried to follow that example and it worked pretty well. I now have two very nice, independent and well adjusted adult children.

When it came to our son and daughter, Mrs. Pat and I took the position, "We are the parents. We are the center of your world. You are not the center of our world. Capiche?" So, when Mrs. Pat and I wanted to go out on a "date" without the kidlets, there was never any moaning or crying. It was more like, "Yippee, who's gonna be the babysitter?". And believe me, those dates were extremely important in keeping our marriage going.

[Ken Fitzgerald]

Brian,

Congrats on 20 years!

Our next anniversary will be our 41st.

Marriage to me in someways is like a job. You have to work at it everyday and never take it for granted.

It helps if both people feel the other person is more important than themselves. A while back my MIL made the observation "It's no wonder you two are so happy. You really try to spoil each other." Within reason, it's true.

She's my best friend, my worst critic. I nearly lost her to a deadly form of cancer 17 years ago next month. I realized what a lonely soul I'd be without her in my life. If she ever grew up, I don't know what I'd do. I'll never have a stiff neck. Between some folks here at the Creek and the LOML, I'm always looking down...shaking my head.

[Mike Cutler]

24 years for us Brian. Mere babes compared to those at +40.

The secret is that there is no secret.

[Cliff Rohrabacher]

Well, it's a secret. Ya can't tell any one.
Simple as that.

[John Shuk]

I pretty much keep my head in the sand and pull it up when invited to do so.

[Ron Jones near Indy]

We'll have 42 years next month. I'm not sure there is any one reason. Mutual respect is on the list as is empathy, trust, and friendship. In our case, religion is definitely a factor (can I say that here?). I know there are other things on the list--I doubt that it's the same for all couples.