I became extremely dis"hart"ened After reading The Professor's recent book length dissertation on the illogic of the DNA drying method. Being possessed of a great deal of extemely wet wood and being somewhat advanced in years and also being an inherently impatient person to begin with, I was counting on the DNA method to accelerate the seasoning of the afore mentioned wet wood sufficiently to allow the possibility of it being dried enough for me to be able to use at least some of it in this lifetime.
Since The Professor has blown the crap out of that theory, I found myself thinking that I'd better get that wet wood sealed up ASAP and resign myself to hunkering down for a long wait. But, much to my distress, I discovered that I had no Anchor Seal and, in my overconfidence in the potential of the now debunked DNA method, I had used up my stash of paraffin, making scented "feng shui" candles shaped like little Buddhas, Ganeshes and lotus flowers. I had none left to seal the ends of my sopping wet hunks of wood. In a blind panic, I casted about for a viable substitute. I went for the olive oil but my wife would have none of that. Then my eye fell on the pan containing our dinner, a roasted chicken, and I thought… Chicken schmaltz? Can't be any worst than olive oil and it's kinda free anyway. So I transferred the chicken to a platter, grabbed the pan containing the schmaltz, ran out the the tent for a brush and carried them out to my little wood shed. I grabbed several pieces of the pistachio I had acquired last year which has spent most of the intervening time under a pile of wet sawdust and dirt in a failed attempt to get some spalting going, and slathered them with the schmaltz.
The next morning, I went out to check on them. The first thing I noticed was the overwhelming stench of rancid schmaltz. I stepped back, took a deep breath, held it and with my eyes watering, went back into the shed to check my pieces of wood. They seemed oddly lightweight and, although they were very difficult to hold onto being slippery with cooled schmaltz, it was very obvious that they weighed significantly less than they had the night before. I ran back to my tool cabinet, grabbed my moisture meter, hurried back to where the odiferous wood was and stabbed the probes in to the hilt. Imagine my surprise when the meter read a sweet 12% moisture content! Remember, this was wood that was so wet the night before that the meter went right off the scale. Now it was perfect for turning.
After I recovered from my surprise, I began to ponder this miraculous result. I can only surmise that the water molecules were so totally grossed out by the slimy stench of the schmaltz that they simply released their grip on the wood cells and evaporated, committing a kind of a water molecule "hari kari", leaving in the wood only those molecules too old or decrepit to flee. I had inadvertently discovered a miraculous new wood drying method! My mind immediately began racing with thoughts of patents and franchises and vast chicken farms and how the wood turning world was going to beat a path to my door and shower me with gratitude and ungodly huge sums of money. But once my heart rate slowed to normal, I realized that this was a celestial gift that had been bestowed upon me and that it was my karmic obligation to pass it along to other turners without any attempt to exploit it for finical gain.
This method does have it's disadvantages. For one thing it will be highly unpopular with vegetarians and animal rights activists. The demise of chickens is unavoidable. Also, it could get expensive. A "google" search of the internet does not return so much as one vendor of chicken schmaltz in the quantities needed for this purpose. Rendering chickens is the only real option and since one chicken yields only about a cup of schmaltz, the cost of chickens needed to produce several gallons could be a deterrent to all but the most determined. Compounding this is the fact that "conventional" chickens yield an inferior schmaltz that does not have the qualities necessary to cause water molecules to immediately want to commit suicide. Top quality free range, pasture fed chickens are required and those are much more costly. The second issue is the rancid schmaltz stench which pretty much requires the use of an expensive breathing apparatus, without which, the turner runs the risk of passing out. And there is also the fact that the shavings have a tendency to adhere tenaciously to whatever they come in contact with.
On the "up" side, one can, within days of harvesting, use wood that would have otherwise taken years to dry. The slippery nature of the schmaltz cured wood causes cutting tools to glide effortlessly making "riding the bevel" a breeze, even with a less than perfectly sharpened tool. (Needless to say, a good dovetail tenon is imperative if you expect your chuck to be able to maintain it's grip on your blank!) And finishing becomes a thing of the past since the schmaltz impregnated wood polishes to a beautiful satin gloss with nothing more than a quick rub with an old sock.
Of course, the salability of the finished product is somewhat compromised due to the hideous smell. I have not had sufficient time to test the "smellfastness" of schmaltz cured wood. I am hoping that it will eventually fade but I have a sinking feeling that the time needed for this to happen will approximate the half life of nuclear waste. But I figure, what the heck, I'm not too worried about money and selling anyway. This is art and I am making it for my own self expression. At least that's what I keep telling myself...
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