Humor: In search of the ultimate woodworking blasphemy

[Andrew Williams]

"What kind of stain should I put on this cherry?"

"I think the motor on this machine has too much horsepower"

"I am sick of tool shopping"

"I have enough clamps"


any better ones?

[Nancy Laird]

"What kind of stain should I put on this cherry?"

Andrew, this one makes me laugh. True story: a number of years ago my aunt gave me an old cabinet that was her FIL's--dates back to about 1890, lots of gingerbread on it, locking doors, retrofitted with glass shelves, but still has the original rolled glass in it (I think it had been a bookcase at one time). It was a nice-enough cabinet, but it had been painted with flat green latex wall paint!!! I think I went through about 5 gallons of Formby's getting all of the green gunk off of it, along with multiple toothpicks, several brass brushes, etc. When it was finally cleaned up, I looked at LOML and asked him what kind of stain we should put on it. His response: "Stain, h@#$, that's solid cherry, we just spray it with lacquer and leave it alone." After we finished it, auntie almost decided she wanted it back, but we moved it across the country so she couldn't get to it!!


"No, Honey, I don't need any more wood. We have enough to last for a couple of years and I don't have a place to put it."

"You really want me to buy that biscuit joiner???"

"Nah, I don't need to upgrade my (insert machine of your choice here)."

Nancy

[Rob Bodenschatz]

This shop is too big.

This chisel is too sharp.

[Brad Townsend]

"What would I do with a Domino anyway?"

[scott spencer]

What color paint should I use on this quilted maple?

[Michael Schwartz]

At a non profit I work for we took in a donation of over 60 almost new cabinet doors from some huge kitchen. The reason the they were beeing replaced was that the "woodgrain" was showing through the glazed finish.

"I think I will just throw out this old rusty hand planer thing"

"60 Grit Sandpapah and a Belt Sandah is the way to go"

"Those drawers are kind of sticky get out the belt sandah and the 60 grit"

Something I actualy heard somebody say wile carefully setting up a 9-1/2 block plane to trim the end of a board down

"You might want to put a new blade in that thing its barely sticking out"

[Jason Roehl]

"Sure, I can stain this white pine to look like that QS oak..."

You wouldn't believe how many times I've had customers ask something similar to me. I appreciate the confidence in my abilities, but I have limits--I'm not God.

[Gary Herrmann]

"No thanks honey, I don't feel like going down to my shop."

"No honey, I don't mind if we store the christmas tree, patio furniture
-insert personalized shop space albatross here- in the shop."

"Forget the dovetails. A few screws will probably be just as good."

"No, no, the neighbors can borrow any tool in my shop. Its the ones in the garage that are off limits."

"You're right. Just because he bent my shovel doesn't mean he won't be careful with my Starrett."


I do have a garage tool rule. Experience can be a harsh mistress.

[Art Mulder]

"I have enough clamps"

How can anyone compete against that?

Oh wait, this is one that would never happen:

"Sure, I can beat Ikea's price!"

[Roy McQuay]

Now I won't need anything else. I've got everything I need.

[Gary Keedwell]

Hey Hon...will you toss me those Starrett verniers?

Gary K.

[Mike Cutler]

Annonymous furniture maker on another forum.
" I don't get paid to do Mortise and Tenon joinery."

[Ken Fitzgerald]

No sir.....I won't let you pay me that much for this project. I've only got 300 hours into it and you want to pay me too much!

[Steve Rowe]

"Can I really use a Festool plunge saw with the EZ Smart guide rail?"

And remember folks, it is just a joke keeping in line with the topic of the original post.
Steve

[Joe Unni]

This occurred over yesterday and today.

After posting on CL in the artist section a woman from New York responded with:

hi
hhow much would you ask for a platform bed twin size with 2 drawers under in wood?

My response was a bit hesitant but professional and explained that there can be many variables including design, materials, construction and freight to New York. So I threw out a number - between $3000 and $5000.

Her response was:

are you using gold screws???
I found some platfomr beds twins size for less than $200.
Thanks but no thanks

I got a chuckle. Though I wanted to tell her to pound sand I just sent:

Thank you for looking just the same.

-joe