Murphy's Laws of Woodworking (long)

[Kent Cori]

Okay Murphy fans, here is an update of the original post. I've added the additional rules offered. Any other corollaries that we haven't covered yet?

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As you may be aware, I support my woodworking habit by making a living as an engineer when not in the shop. Engineering is subject to a vast array of laws given to us by such brilliant people as Newton, Einstein, Bernoulli and a host of other great thinkers. However, none of these laws is as inviolate and inevitable as those promulgated by the patron saint of all engineers, Mr. Murphy.

Murphy’s Three Great Laws are:

• Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

• If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

• Anything that goes wrong will do so at the most inopportune time.

As I have progressed up my personal woodworking learning curve, I have observed that Murphy’s laws apply to our avocation as well. As a result, I have formulated some personal corollaries of Murphy’s Laws that pertain to woodworking. I humbly offer these thoughts below and hope that each of you will add to them.

• Nothing is as easy as it looks.

• Everything takes longer than you think.

• All projects cost more than you budgeted.

• Any project will always take one more board than you purchased for it.

• If a specialized tool is required to accomplish a task, you won’t own it.

• A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.

• A dropped power tool will always land on the concrete instead of the soft ground (if outdoors) or the carpet (if indoors) - unless it is running, in which case it will fall on something it can damage (like your foot).

• Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

• You will always find that missing tool in the last place you look.

• After you have bought a replacement for a tool or part you've lost and searched for everywhere, you'll immediately find the original.

• No matter how long or how hard you shop for a new tool, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

• If you do buy a new tool after agonizing over the purchase, doing your reserach and finding the least expensive supplier, a month later the manufacturer will come out with a new and improved version at the same price.

• Dovetails are always too long or too short no matter how many times you cut them.

• No matter how many times you measure that last board (the one you can't get another one like for a long time), it is always too short.

• The fence on your table saw is exactly where it HAS TO BE for that perfect cut until one of your kids comes out and "plays" with it.

• If you are working with your last bowl blank it will surely blow up on you just before you complete that final cut.

• Cabinets are always square until the glue sets.

• Most mistakes aren't discovered until it's too late to fix them.

• You always find a better way to do something after you've screwed it up.

• Glue squeeze-out is removed until the finish is applied.

• Grain will always orient itself in the way that's hardest to work with.

• Aniline dye will always be the color you didn't expect...and didn't want.

• Tear-out seems to occur in direct proportion to the amount of time spent in preparing the piece of wood.

• Only the last biscuit slots are ever misaligned.

• Any tool you really need will be just out of reach.

• Whatever you need is usually as far across the shop from where you are as it can be.

• Your tools are sharp until you try to sharpen them.

• No cabinet scraper will ever work the same way twice.

• Should you ever do something right, you will immediately forget how you did it.

• Tight miter joints are a just a random phenomenon.

• The cut line usually shows me where the cut won't be.

• My fence is accurate until I try to measure something.

• Biscuits will always "show" when you do the panel raising.

• Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

• If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

• And of course, Murphy was an optimist.

If my little philosophic rambling has depressed you, I apologize. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come...

So what are your corollaries?