Humor: In search of the ultimate woodworking blasphemy

[John Schreiber]

Look at the nice curls I can get with my scraper on this MDF.

Those tools look nice. Too bad you couldn't get Craftsman though.

[Adam Burgess]

Sure, you can set that ice-cold drink down on that table saw over there.

My brother tried doing this when he came to my shop to check out the cherry boards I bought for a book case I'm building for him. He then tried to put it on the boards themself. Idiot!

Here's mine...
"How many more coats of paint before you can't see the oak grain any more?"

[Jim C Bradley]

Thanks to all contributors to this thread. YOU MADE MY DAY! The best laugh I have had in some time.
Enjoy,
Jim

[Mike Parzych]

"I got a bunch of air dried walnut slabs from my uncle's estate, but they look weird. They've got like purples and reds in them! Will stain even out the color and make it look like the stuff at the BORG, or am I just stuck with it the wayit is?"

Real life blasphemy:
I saw an episode of Dirty Jobs in which they were raising submerged logs from the 1880's logging era. Some were sliced to veneer and sold to a company making office furniture. They slapped it on particle board and then some woman with a rag slobbered on some stain that was about 50 shades darker than the wood and resembled no actual wood species known to man. They were probably sold at an outrageous price to some poor slob who proudly said his desk was made from 100+ year old wood, and isn't that color nice!

[jeremy levine]

"I got a bunch of air dried walnut slabs from my uncle's estate, but they look weird. They've got like purples and reds in them! Will stain even out the color and make it look like the stuff at the BORG, or am I just stuck with it the wayit is?"

Real life blasphemy:
I saw an episode of Dirty Jobs in which they were raising submerged logs from the 1880's logging era. Some were sliced to veneer and sold to a company making office furniture. They slapped it on particle board and then some woman with a rag slobbered on some stain that was about 50 shades darker than the wood and resembled no actual wood species known to man. They were probably sold at an outrageous price to some poor slob who proudly said his desk was made from 100+ year old wood, and isn't that color nice!

Saw that episode, still queasy

[Dan Racette]

Could you "antique" that? you know, beat it with a chain, pound a few hole, spatter some stain, and put wear marks all over that?

True story: Oh your grandpa had a whole bunch of those planes. I think he had about 300, he used to make floors and moulding. I think your aunt traded them for a set of four tires.

What would you want with those old handtools anyway? Just buy powertools.

I gave all those Disstons to your aunt to paint scenes on them. I think she just threw them away, though. (another true story).

I do still think that "I have enough clamps" is the best!

[Nate Rogers]

That episode of dirty jobs was just appalling....what is wrong with people..

Nate

[Mike Cutler]

"Do you have any Ansel Adams books with color pictures?"

[Bill Huber]

No problem, just set your glass of ice tea on the table saw.

I am just going to run to the hardware store and get a box of screws, be right back.

Do you want this from the mail today, no that Rockler catalog is just junk mail.

If I had of just measured one more time I would have caught that.

[Michael Schwartz]

Could you "antique" that? you know, beat it with a chain, pound a few hole, spatter some stain, and put wear marks all over that?

True story: Oh your grandpa had a whole bunch of those planes. I think he had about 300, he used to make floors and moulding. I think your aunt traded them for a set of four tires.

Sounds like the plot strait out of a woodworking specific horror movie.

My great uncle was a woodworker and I am trying to see if any of his stuff is still in the family.

[Jack Morrow]

No need to dry fit, watch this ....

[Cliff Rohrabacher]

Who needs a working drawing...I've got it all straight in my head.

HEY ~!!

I resemble that remark too~!!

I can't say how often I work sans drawing. Hell, my first guitar was made sans drawing.

[Joe Jensen]

HEY ~!!

I resemble that remark too~!!

I can't say how often I work sans drawing. Hell, my first guitar was made sans drawing.

Me too. I never use plans. If anything, just a quick sketch to look at proportions. This way when I make a mistake I can recover without feeling too bad

[Ted Baca]

maybe not blastphemie but frustrating

"hey your a woodworker?, can I come over Sunday and we can build a new A/V cabinet for my wifes birthday on Monday?"

[glenn bradley]

No need to dry fit, watch this ....

OK . . . of all the laughs and giggles this thread has brought me, Jack made me laugh so hard I think I hurt myself.